His Story (Part 3): I Am a Failure; I Have Failed

All this backstory brings me to the worst day of my life and how I have come to view infertility.

Infertility is formidable. It is an opponent you cannot beat with brute strength or blunt force trauma. It is a different kind of beast. I do not think anyone can be prepared for it, no matter how you were raised.

The worst day of my life started like this: I was in Iowa City working with a friend when my wife called me to tell me something was wrong. She did not want me to worry and said that everything would be all right, but for some reason, I knew that was not the case.

My mind and heart began to race with every bad thing I could imagine; I felt something bad had already happened, was continuing to happen, and I felt it in the depths of my soul. Everything I had been raised to be from my own experiences—from my parents’ upbringing and of the million different situations I was prepared to handle—did not prepare me for what would happen next. I wasn’t prepared as a husband, as a Dad, as your stereotypical man I was raised to be who provides for and protects his family.

All of that was about to get thrown out the window.

Upon realizing that we were going to lose the twins and that I was going to have to watch my wife go through the full labor process, only to have my babies—my sweet little babies—being born only to have them die in my arms moments later cut me to the bone.

This was a realization that I was not equipped to handle at that moment, and it was more painful than anything I had ever experienced (or thought I would experience) in my life, but my life did prepare me for one thing: I knew I had to be strong for my wife and my family. I did the best that I could!

I can only describe my feelings about what was going to happen in one way: I was filleted open for the world to see. I was exposed. I was vulnerable. I was a fraud because everything I ever thought I was; everything I ever wanted to be—a provider, a protector, a warrior—in that moment, I was none of those things.

In that moment when my wife needed me the most, I couldn’t help her or my babies and for that I was a MAN ON FIRE! I HATED EVERYTHING IN THAT MOMENT; I HATED THE WORLD, I HATED GOD, I WANTED TO FIGHT ANYONE AND ANYTHING, I WANTED TO BURST INTO FLAMES, BUT MOST OF ALL, I WANTED EVERYTHING TO GO BLACK AND FOR EVERYTHING TO BE OVER!!!

But you don’t always get what you want.

And I sent this text to my family shortly after living through the worst moment of my life.

When all you want to do is protect the people you love, but you can't, it throws your world into a tailspin.

I was someone who always felt in control of his life, his moments, and his future, and at that moment, I was completely and utterly helpless. I could not protect my wife or my family at that moment. I WAS HELPLESS.

However, that turned into a different thought; one that I now live with everyday. A thought that I know isn't actually true, but one that I can't shake: I failed my wife, I failed my family, and I failed my babies. I am not who I thought I was! I have failed everyone that I care about the most! I couldn’t protect them and I couldn’t save them.

I am a failure, I have failed!

And then I ran away to lick my wounds and hide from the world.

To be continued.