Why I’ve Relived the Worst Day...Over and Over

It’s not just me that infertility affects; it affects my husband and the two boys I have been blessed with.

I try to stay in control of my emotions and not let this process control me but it’s not that simple. It’s natural to keep quiet when you’re trying to have a baby or starting infertility. There’s so much uncertainty and anxiety that it’s easier to just be silent.

But my family and I are well past that starting point.

After three failed IUI procedures, we moved on to IVF. We retrieved five embryos! Looking back, we felt so blessed back then to have this many opportunities to bring home a baby. Little did we know what was on the horizon. Our first transfer did not take, so we decided to transfer two embryos the next time. They both implanted and we were ecstatic. We thought this was our happy ending.

We waited until we felt it was “safe” (14 weeks) before we told our boys that they were going to be big brothers and gave the news to the rest of our friends and family. Then, just two weeks later, my water broke with our girl. On March 22nd 2019, I delivered our twins, Cash and Cooper.

When they were born, I was only 16 weeks along, so we knew that they would not make it. That was the hardest day of my life. It was my longest labor, and although our twin babies were born alive, they passed away shortly after being born.

My boys were 3 and 8 at the time, so explaining what had happened to their siblings was difficult. They were so excited to have another brother and finally(!) a sister. Yes, they were young, but they still grieved.

We came home from the hospital and had to figure out how to move forward. All of us in different ways and at different speeds. My husband Jamie grieved immediately. For me, the shock didn’t wear off until a few days before my birthday that year.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I had taken our youngest to swimming lessons. My normally very compliant child was being challenging and not participating that day. As time passed, it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders getting heavier and heavier. We left swimming lessons, and the second I got to the car I started balling to the point where I could hardly breathe. This was the beginning of a very long and difficult summer for me.

When you have tried so hard to have a baby and it finally happens, you only think about how you're going to announce it. No one plans for how you're going to tell everyone that you lost your babies.

We tried to just hide, but it’s inevitable that you run into people at the store, or they text you to ask how your pregnancy is going. Every time it came up, we had to keep reliving the worst day of our lives over and over.

Now, as we begin the third summer after losing the twins, summers are still very hard for me. I’ve learned to recognize that and, although it’s not always easy, talking about it helps. Writing about it helps.

Most women don’t talk about infertility or the struggles they’ve had. That’s why Delivering Hope is so important. The doctors do their part, and then we are left to sort through the rest of the “stuff” in this lonely “trying to conceive” community.

That’s why I’m thankful for the chance to share my feelings here. And I thank you for reading.

If you need to talk to someone, please reach out. I understand how you feel.